It’s no secret that depression and I go pretty far back.
Anxiety, however, was a completely new kind of beast, unwelcome in its attempt to build even a temporary home within me. Something happened years ago while we were living in Shanghai which lead to unexpected and persistent anxiety attacks.
Any time I went near or thought of the place or people involved, I would begin to hyperventilate and become nauseated and dizzy, my whole body shaking uncontrollably. When those physical symptoms would subside, tears would start up and I’d be gasping for air through sobs. It was horrible. I felt as if my body was acting without any input or direction from me, and I was helpless to stop it.
I am an emotional person by nature, I feel things passionately. I used to say enthusiasm was my superpower — enthusiasm for both the glorious things I adore and the miserable things I despise. My passion and enthusiasm can definitely be a force for good, especially in a career as a writer. But I’ve never thought of feelings as being intrinsically good or bad. Feelings are simply feelings… they come, I feel them deeply, and then they go. But this particular situation was so overwhelming and disconcerting I began to fear even leaving the house. What if I suddenly found myself spiraling into anxiety I couldn’t control while alone in public?
Because I have this long, intimate history with depression, and because I know talk therapy is a great option in the mental health toolbox, I sought professional help. I wanted to try and figure out what was going on so that I could stop it, or at least better manage it.
Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in America, experienced by close to 20% of the adult population each year. It’s one of the easiest to treat and manage, yet according to the National Institute of Mental Health, barely 35% of people experiencing disruptive anxiety go on to seek help. It’s also possible for people who have depression to struggle with anxiety, and vice versa. Issues surrounding the current global pandemic have increased stress levels in every sector and age group around the planet, really pushing our mental health to the limits.
The situation in Shanghai became manageable for me through therapy. I found the strength to completely step away from the people and place which had caused the anxiety to begin with. I still feel occasionally unsettled when I think of what happened, but it no longer has power over me.
Once I’d experienced the physical and physiological effects of anxiety and sudden anxiety attacks, I became more aware of other triggering situations. I’ve stayed as far away as practical in the name of being kind to myself and my mental health.
I did really great up until a couple years ago when I was finding myself suddenly struggling to breathe, my heart pounding. Only this time I could not figure out what was triggering the anxiety. Not that there is always a trigger!
Anxiety might take the form of an anxiety attack, which usually has specific triggers which you are likely aware of, it may come on slow and build to intolerable levels, and is generally focused around the things which are causing us stress. Or it could come in the form of a panic attack, which may arrive out of nowhere with sudden debilitating physical symptoms and no discernable trigger other than our own body’s flight or fight response.
Because I didn’t know why I was having these sudden bouts of anxiety again, I went to my GP to give him my history and see if he could recommend treatment and perhaps a therapist. He is an excellent, holistic physician and after listening to my symptoms, he listened to my lungs. Do you think it could be your asthma, he asked?
My WHAT?
Living in Shanghai was brutal on the lungs due to the miserable air pollution. We all had apps on our phones alerting us to the pollution level, and we’d wear masks regularly to filter the tiny particulate matter from entering our lungs and causing long-term damage. My husband has asthma and while we lived in California near the beach, he regularly had asthma attacks. These were triggered by the mold coming through the air during a weather pattern called the Santa Ana Winds. Usually the wind comes in from the Pacific Ocean toward the land, but occasionally the wind reverses, and the air flow comes from the mountains and the desert, pushing back at the ocean, bringing hot, dry air along with all sorts of yucky stuff like mold spores. This make everyone’s eyes scratchy and my husband’s lungs miserable.
When we left dry, arid California for the humid, coastal regions of Asia, we saw visible mold growing everywhere. Yet my husband’s asthma was virtually nonexistent! A local doctor friend explained that the humidity keeps the mold spores from becoming airborne. The mold sticks to walls and buildings and structures, rendering it harmless to my husband’s airways.
Shortly after we’d moved to Hong Kong with comparatively cleaner air than Shanghai, I came down with a miserable respiratory infection. It turned into bronchitis, a viral infection which inflames the bronchial tubes going into your lungs and makes it difficult to breath. It was surprisingly debilitating and taxing to recover from. The next time I caught a little cold, it too turned into bronchitis. Again, it took quite awhile to finally get over. But the doctor had never mentioned asthma or asked if I had a history of it (you can read more on this in my last post).
I definitely wasn’t sick this time. As I sat there worried I was having a panic attack, the doctor told me he could hear very clear wheezing. He handed over two inhalers, one a rescue inhaler I could take a puff or two of each time I found myself on the verge of hyperventilating, and one to be taken twice a day, every day, for a month or two to stop the inflammation and tightening of my airways. I tried out the rescue inhaler and it was almost magic how quickly I went from feeling panicky on the edge of hyperventilating to suddenly calm because I could take a deep breath for the first time that day. Through further testing, he gave me the official diagnosis of Adult Onset Asthma, likely brought about from our time living in Shanghai. I went a couple years managing it perfectly, without any trouble at all.
Flash forward to 2020 and then go ahead and continue right into 2021. I don’t need to tell you, dear reader and fellow inhabitant of planet Earth, how any slight cough has set us on edge during the last twenty months. Thankfully, other than the seasonal allergies which plague us all, we’ve been remarkably physically healthy. Mentally healthy? Ehh. Maybe not so much.
Having lost my Mom in December of 2019 and then watched as the world lost millions of other moms, dads, daughters, and sons, including an astonishing twelve of our own friends and colleagues as COVID-19 has circled the globe, I’ve been in an extended period of grief with no end in sight. This grief has been difficult to process while navigating other significant losses which have hit our family in the last year and a half.
As I said at the top in bold print, depression and I go way back. I know what it feels like and what to look out for, and I seemed to be balancing on the tipping point between general sadness and acute depression. When my husband shared he was growing concerned about me, I took myself off to get some professional help to make sure I don’t drown beneath the weight of so much collective sorrow. It’s hard work, but important work.
Recently I noticed I was having difficulty breathing. I initially recognized it as anxiety. But it was happening during times when I had little to no actual stress or even heightened emotion. I dreaded creating any additional burden on any of us, so I tried to keep quiet about it until finally I couldn’t any longer. I went back to my GP, the same one who’s been seeing me the last four years.
As I tell him about the anxiety attacks, surely back to haunt me once more, he pulls out the stethoscope. Sure enough, a thorough listen to my lungs finds the tell-tale wheezing and he questions how well I’m managing my asthma. Um, the asthma I basically forgot about until last week when I wrote about Bruce-the-Cat? Err, umm, ahh, not managing it at all, thankyouverymuch. Once again he hands me both a rescue and maintenance inhaler, and a couple puffs later I’m taking deep breaths and feeling far better.
Now if only there was a rescue inhaler for my depression!
My first post in this space was about being dismissed so frequently by those in the medical profession that I lost the ability to advocate for myself or know when something is really wrong with my own body and mind.
I have grown in measurable leaps and bounds, but sometimes I still stumble. I think about that statistic, where only 35% of people struggling with disruptive anxiety disorders seek help. That inspires me to do better. With everything. And to encourage you to do the same.
No one wants to look like a fool or spend money they don’t have, but I am so glad I went back to the doctor instead of continuing to suffer and struggle over asthma. It brings down my stress levels to know at least one thing in my life has an easy fix which fits in my pocket.
I’m not a medical professional by any means, and have no idea what healthcare looks like where you are. But these are strange days and I need to say if you are struggling with mental health in particular, there are resources all around the world available to help.
Next month is World Suicide Prevention Day, and I’ll be talking more about that later. For now I want to share a link to Sixty Digital Resources for Mental Health which may help you or someone you know. We are all struggling in some way right now. No one is immune to the ongoing external and internal stresses brought about by the events of the past year. I don’t want any of us to suffer in hiding, feeling solitary and unseen.
Even if it feels like it, I promise if you are reading these words you are not alone. There is hope and there is help.
Please check out the resources here and if you can’t find what you need, please speak up. I work with several organizations I can connect you with. We’ve got this.
Good reminder that it might be time to talk to someone more in depth about my anxiety and depression. Thank you!
Love you and thank for your words and honesty